Sex Ed: How Parents Can Fill in Gaps Therein

Although 97% of students interviewed in 2006-2008 reported having had formal sex education classes by the time they graduated from high school, only 2/3 of them were taught about birth control, according to information released by the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention.

After declining for a number of years, the teen birth rate rose from 2005 to 2007, then declined back down to 10% of all births in 2008.

Female interviewers from the University of Michigan hired by the CDC went to 2,800 teenagers’ homes and interviewed them in person on the details of what they were taught in sex education classes.  Topics were broken down as follows:  discussion of birth control methods, saying “no” to sex, and transmission of sexually transmitted disease.

“Formal” sex ed classes were those taught in schools, churches, and community centers. 
Ninety-two percent of both boys and girls were taught about sexually transmitted diseases, while eight-seven percent of girls and eighty-one percent of boys were instructed on how to say “no” to sex.

But that doesn't mean that teenagers who haven't recieved formal information on birth control are doomed to ignorance in this regard. Although most child experts believe that formal sex education is valuable, they typically also agree that parents should fill in the gaps between typical teenage impulsivity and acting on those impulses, something they may not be conveyed as well in a formal setting.

But, let’s face it, talking to teens about sex is not one of the most, oh, "anticipated" moments of parenthood.  Kids would prefer to think their parents only had sex to conceive them, thank you very much. And, parents really don't like to think about our children experimenting with something so volatile.

Yet, teen sexuality is volatile. STDs abound, and kids tend to have the same "it can never happen to me" mindset about sex as they do everything else. They are impulsive, many times thinking only AFTER doing.

Following is some advice on how to get the point across without alienating your kids from a panel consisting of a college instructor, a public school administrator, a licensed therapist, and a few experienced parents.

REMAIN "CONVERSATIONAL"

Remaining conversational simply means to keep your anxiety under wraps, even if you have to dig your nails into your palms to do so. Margaret M., an art history instructor, said that she immediately shut down when her mother mentioned sex because "she was so nervous, there was no way on earth I wanted to even go there with her." Try to "downplay" the subject without devaluing its importance.

KNOW WHEN TO STOP THE CONVERSATION

Now, more than ever, is the time to pay attention to your child's body language. If he crosses his arms, or she sighs dramatically, know that something's amiss, and that you're losing them. Don't scold them for this; just realize that you've probably gone further than they are willing to go with you. If that's the case, end the conversation fairly quickly, and realize they may need time to absorb what you've said.

LISTEN TO THEM

Make sure the conversation is two-way; let them do some of the talking. And listen to them fully, even if they are saying things that you really don't want to hear. What you want is for them to feel you are safe; that's really the whole point of talking to your kids about sex anyway, right? Mary B., a public school administrator says, “One of my more "difficult" moments in this regard was when my 14 year old daughter told me that her girlfriend had sex with her boyfriend the previous weekend. I was driving, and I nearly ran off of the road! But, she didn't know that, so she continued, telling me how much the whole thing bothered her. Had I over-reacted, she wouldn't have allowed me to help her diffuse some of the anxiety she was feeling.”

Our kids are bombarded with so many mixed messages about sex that they are confused. And no matter what they may want you to think, they are NOT as "cool with it" as they seem. Think about how frustrating it is for you, the parent, to see how sex is presented in the media: "no big deal", "everybody does it", "sex without commitment is the best kind of sex there is". Well, guess what? It's even more troubling to your teen; he just doesn't think he's "allowed" to show his fear to anyone. Try to give him/her the message that it's definitely okay with you if they share their misgivings.

DON'T MAKE ABSTINENCE THE ONLY OPTION

According to some experts, refusing to give your teen no other option except abstinence is akin to shooting yourself in the foot. You are committing teen pregnancy suicide if you remain that inflexible. Family therapist Sandra Tester of Arkansas says that kids raised in strict, religious homes are more likely to get pregnant than those whose parents promote abstinence, yet are honest and open in talking to them about birth control. Why? Because if a teen lives in a home that is that rigid, and he or she "makes a mistake" and has sex, in their minds, they are compounding their "sin" if they use birth control. So they don't. And you know what you call teens who don't use birth control? Parents.

There is another, surprising consequence of taking a hard line stance, and that is the fact that if a teen feels she's committed a mortal sin by having sex with her boyfriend, she views herself harshly, sometimes seeing herself as "damaged goods." The result? Sometimes these feelings can be so strong that the teen feels she has "nothing to lose", because she's already "lost it all." Promiscuity can then become a lifestyle, leading to herpes, STDs, or worse.

Certainly, abstinence is preferable, but it's not a good idea for your teen to feel as if you've backed him into a corner.

Being a parent is never easy, and one of the toughest parts of the gig is the "sex talk." But, according to Joe C., a family therapist and parent of three,  once you open the door to healthy communication, you will find that it gets easier. After all, despite all of the sexual hoopla they are exposed to, they really are no different than we were at that age; they've just, unfortunately, been exposed to much more at a much younger age.