The Health and Emotional Risks of Perfectionism

By Rachel Stockton rachels at foodconsumer dot org

Rumor has it that 70% of all doctor visits are lifestyle related.  It doesn’t take too much imagination to see that our eating habits start to take their toll on our bodies.

But obesity isn’t the only lifestyle issue that can send us to the family physician.  Our thought patterns can manifest themselves in all kinds of bodily ailments.  One of the most detrimental attributes to both body and mind is perfectionism.

The word "perfect", I'm convinced, has little place in our vocabulary, because the concept of perfection is a false one. It does not exist. We live in an imperfect world, thus everything in it falls short in some form or fashion.

From the time I was a child I've suffered from perfectionism. I've pondered the question over the difference between perfectionism, and the pursuit of excellence, many, many times. Nearly thirty years ago, Peter Drucker wrote of the benefits of the latter. But, unless a person is careful, the "excellence" message can be misconstrued to the point of utter distortion.

The two can look quite similar, in actuality. The differences are subtle, and may, or may not be detected by outsiders, who merely see the outcome of our behavior, not what drives it.

Both states produce admirable results, as far as quality goes. "The proof is in the pudding' is the clich that is apropos; perfectionists, and pursuers of excellence both garner kudos when warranted, or quiet admiration, if that's more appropriate. But, that's where the similarity ends, for the most part. The differences between the two mindsets manifest themselves inwardly. One produces a satisfying feeling of accomplishment, contributing to one's overall contentment in the grand scheme of things. The other produces anxiety, hypertension, heartache, and a sense of never being good enough, of not ever making the grade completely.

ANXIETY VS SATISFACTION

Perfectionists are quite self-centered, when it comes right down to it. A well deserved sense of satisfaction is replaced by a pervasive mental disquiet that whispers "if you're not the best, you're not going to get the recognition you deserve", at best, to "if you do not come out ahead of everyone else, you've wasted your time," at worse, to "if you can't do this flawlessly, you really aren't worth the air you breathe," at worst.

Someone who puts his all into a task, because it's the right thing to do, or because the situation calls for it (and sometimes, the situation does NOT call for it; more about that later), does so out of a sense of responsibility; responsibility, not furious, chaotic compulsion.

And, putting our all into a task doesn't mean fretting over whether or not every "i" is dotted. It's doing our best realizing we live in an imperfect world among imperfect people, from whom we are no different. This attitude views "mistakes" as either needing to be corrected, or worked on, if possible, or shrugged off, if they are unavoidable.

ATTRACTION, NOT PROMOTION

Perfectionists can be difficult to be around. Many times they are as demanding of others as they are of themselves. Their kids are expected to pick up their rooms "perfectly", their co-workers are expected to very nearly sacrifice their oldest in the name of output, and their spouses are expected to handle every social situation with aplomb, dignity, and just the right witty remark. Again, this is pretty self serving. The perfectionist, whether conscious of it or not, sees those around him as a reflection of himself, not as persons in and of themselves, with their own set of talents, their own needs, their own ideas. Perfectionists turn the phrase, "It IS all about me," into an art form. The result is rarely motivating, and more often than not, it is totally defeating to everyone around him.

The excellence pursuer, however, has an ability to motivate by realizing that everyone has not only their gifts to bring to the table, but their quirks, which can be just as valuable. By working around imperfection, not forcing its reversal, these people are able to understand that not every one is wired in the same fashion, but that they need affirmation, even when, and sometimes ESPECIALLY when, they fail.

HOLDING ON TIL THE DEATH VS LETTING GO GRACIOUSLY

For the perfectionist, there is NEVER a time to perform less than perfectly. "If I'm going to mow the lawn, I'm going to also trim, weed whack, and prune the bushes, or it's not even worth bringing out the mower. The needs of others be damned!" Even if his son has a game he wants his dad to see. Even if his spouse would love to spend time with him over coffee. Performance, to the perfectionist, is a priori, relationships and the feelings of others take a back seat.

Sometimes, though, acceptance is in order; an acceptance that "I don't have time to spend that much time on the lawn, there are other, more pressing, more human concerns". The person who appreciates a job well done, but isn't driven by its relentless pursuit takes an attitude of "it is what it is", when appropriate and necessary.

REFRAMING OUR PERFECTIONISM

Let's face it, it's very difficult to change who we are; in fact, there are some that say that at our core, it's impossible. Maybe so, maybe not. But, what IS possible, I'm quite confident, is "reframing" who we are, re-positioning, for lack of a better term, our attitudes to the point where our negative behavior can be turned around.

No, I'm not perfect. I never will be. In fact, I will make mistakes in just about anything I do, whether it's work related, parenting related, or character related. But, I truly believe that my journey IS perfect. The process of "becoming" is a perfect one; not perfect in the sense of no mistakes and without flaw (let's fact it, that's darn boring ANYWAY), but in the sense that I can trust that I will be given opportunities to learn, and yes, to even screw up, that are right for me at just the right time. In that sense, we can easily (and truthfully) say that there ARE no mistakes, only opportunities for growth and increased wisdom. Now that kind of perfection, I can handle.